Friday, November 28, 2008

Catching Up

So basically Monday was a test for Co-worker because he knew I was going to see the Professor and I was supposed to stay the night there so he could have had his girlfriend or ex-girlfriend (whatever!) over. But I was pleasantly surprised. And then Tuesday I got wasted during the day which was a lot of fun.

Thanksgiving was fine. I had to work. I was surprised that He Who Shall Not Be Named didn't at least text-message me. But oh well right? It feels like it's time to move on from that. It's just hard. I have a post in draft about him. Maybe I'll finish it tomorrow. It's sort of therapeutic to write in a way. That's all for today. I enjoyed reading everyone's elses blogs throught the week! That darn Google Reader is killing me! I swear reading blogs is now like my second hobby.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Rain And Weekend Update

It's raining here...something that typically doesn't happen in the desert. I don't know why this morning I thought about He Who Shall Not Be Named. Maybe because the thought of staying in with him while it was raining seemed so ideal. I was thinking about the last time I saw him. He was putting on his brown pants and a white collar button-up and I just remembered looking at him wanting him to want me as much as I wanted him. So there's this morning, but the weekend and my days off (Monday/Tuesday) were super eventful. If there isn't a reason to read my blog, this post will surely bring some viewers :) Without further adu...

Friday: I need another name for the personality that comes out when I start drinking. It is pretty scary to think that I almost always black out, but this night I was safe. I went over to Co-worker's house with a large bottle of wine, not the kind that only gives you 3/4 glasses. I drank half of this. I proceeded to tell Co-worker I want to be his personal stripper, give him a lap dance, have him cum on my face. I'm sure there was more and him telling me this was embarrassing, but what can I do? I don't even remember talking about this. Apparently we had sex on his couch and I got him off really quick with all my dirty talk.

Saturday: The next morning (hello Saturday!) I had to work early, so I left. He wanted me to come back to the house after I went to work. It was nice, but also a little much. And on my 45 minute drive to my assignment, he called me and we talked almost the whole time, until I made some excuse that I was having trouble hearing him so I had to go. And then I went back and crawled in bed with him. I realized something coming back to his house Saturday night...actually I realized a lot of things.
#1 Is it so bad that I think he takes too long to get off and I have learned exactly what sends him over the edge? And so I do this, just so it can be over because it's been over for me awhile ago.
#2 I don't like the way he smells. His morning breath, the way his body smells when I wake up next to him.
#3 He always walks me to the door the next morning and one time, I told him just to stay in bed. He said he would never do this because he thinks it is rude, and He Who Shall Not Be Named never walked me to the door and this made me feel like Co-worker was calling HWSNBN rude. To which I became defensive, like just stay in bed and leave me to walk out by myself without having to kiss you goodbye.
#4 He's too nice and considerate. You don't really have to be that nice to your fuck buddy do you? I mean come on...the other night he couldn't sleep and asked if I would be upset if he went out and watched tv. Why would he even ask me that? Do what you f-ing want!

Why am I even doing this? I need to end it seriously.

This brings me to Sunday which was boring, but I need to preface my Monday post because this is the one that is going to make your hair stand on end. I even have an e-mail to accompany it with. A real one, that someone sent me, that I got this Wednesday morning when I showed up to work. In college, I sort of saw my professor. I had him for 2 classes, he was 49 at the time, now 51. I'm sure I have daddy issues but whatever. I thought he was cute and smart and something about the thought of having him bend me over the desk was exciting, even though nothing physical ever happened. One night I got really drunk and sent him a text message saying something about making my fantasy a reality. He was going to a town near me for Thanksgiving and invited me to come out there on my days off. Now I figured that if I decided I wanted to make something happen, I could. But remember, I have hung out with him only as friends so I couldn't imagine it being as awkward as it ended up.

Monday: I leave Co-workers house, slightly wondering if our ex-coworker will be coming over to his house in my absence since he knows I'm going to hang out with The Professor. I drive to where Professor is. I hang out with him a little. We're telling stories. All of a sudden, out of the blue, he mentions the text message I sent him. I tell him I was drunk. He proceeds to try and hold my hand, touch my leg, even tries to kiss me. I am not liking this. I feel uncomfortable and all I can think about is how to get myself out of this situation. I tell him I want to take a nap, which I do, because I am now planning on driving back home and I don't want to fall asleep at the wheel. I wake up. I tell him that I wanted this on my terms, that I have to be in control, and he is making me feel uncomfortable. I tell him I am leaving, I am not attracted to him. He tells me good luck with my life and my career. (Side note: about 2 weeks ago he sent me flowers at work saying he was excited to see me). So that's where it ends or so I thought. This morning I get this e-mail, subject is good luck with everything:

I just wanted to say a last goodbye here in this email. I didn't want to make an issue out of anything while you were here. You obviously were uncomfortable, and I think it was easier for you to get out of here as quickly and painlessly as possible.You made a comment out on the deck earlier about how you never made a reference to anything sexual because you were worrying that expressing an interest in someone can mess up a friendship. I suppose it can, but I think those sorts of things are manageable most of the time. What's not manageable is inconsistency. Being unreliable. Not being able to count on someone. We all owe it to the people we respect in our lives to let them know where we coming from. This is not about sleeping together, it's about being at least a little bit predictable. I not disappointed over losing a couple of fun days that have been planned since god-knows-when and have been the subject of weekly conversation for quite awhile now. I'm disappointed because what I thought was a very nice friendship gets vaporized because of . . . well, I don't exactly know how to say it. But if you don't owe it to yourself to know where you are with the people in your life, what you want and how you feel, you owe it to the people around you. I have more good friends than anyone I know. Several your age and even younger. None of them would allow a scene like the one you created today to be created. Sorry, if this makes you feel awful. If you do, it won't last. But you need to know why I have sort of a one-strike-and-you're-out policy over crap like this. I'm momentarily disappointed in losing a lover. I am much more disappointed in losing a friend.I do hope your career and everything else goes well for you.

Wow..ok first of all we have not been talking about this for weeks buddy. You have mentioned it. I was excited to see him because he helped me with my career, not because I wanted to sleep with him. I realized that a drunken text gave him the wrong idea, but never again did I mention that and I even asked if the place he was staying had a seperate bed for me. He should not be blaming me for any kind of scene. I felt uncomfortable. I left. I got myself out of a bad scene. He should be thanking me that I didn't let his little hard-on continue.

Here's what I plan to write back:

I don't know why you are talking about counting on someone. You shouldn't have been counting on me to sleep with you. The friendship didn't have to get vaporized. It only did because my unattraction to you made you angry, and me uncomfortable. I'm confused as to what scene you are referencing? None of this makes me feel awful at all. If anything, it is dissapointing that even as men age, they still stay just as stupid.

Now before I hit send, your comments...

And more on Co-worker hooking up with ex-coworker and Tuesdays events later. This is already a lot!

Friday, November 21, 2008


Ever wake up in the morning with that feeling like what the hell happened last night, and whose bed am I in? Turned out I was in Co-worker's bed (thank goodness) and got really drunk last night. Good times! I don't remember that much, except driving to Co-worker's house after the bar, although technically I don't remember the drive just getting there. I remember showing up at his house and he was watching The Office and I might have said marry me because I love that show. My clothes came off in the living room and this morning when I woke up I felt like the sex was really good last night. We've only slept together a handful of times, but it was starting to get a little boring, like the same thing every night. It did not feel like that last night at all! I'm a total black-out drunk, regardless of if I've had 2 drinks or 9 so the fact that I remember anything last night deserves a pat on the back. Hope the weekend is as fun as I remembered last night to be :)

Co-worker always walks me to the door when I am leaving. He could just stay in bed, but he gets up, kisses me good-bye and generally asks me if he'll be seeing me later. This morning he did not ask that, which could be because we work together tonight so of course he is going to see me, or because he is going to visit his girlfriend or whatever she is (the girl he used to date who worked with us, but moved). Update on this situation later.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Co-worker drama and other shit I don't need right now

So last night I'm driving home from work and Co-worker calls. He says he misses me in his bed (tell me something I don't know) and while that would make me swoon with any other guy, with him I envision the Wedding Crashers and Stage-5 Clinger. I am still anticipating that we are going out tonight with his friend and I want to bring my roommate along. Apparently, I wasn't really invited because he acts all confused. He asked me what I was doing that night, he says he's getting drinks, I don't really remember him saying come with me, but that's the feeling I got ok? So I told him to fuck off because he was acting really rude about it and I had him on speaker phone while my roommate and I were getting drunk on our porch. She of course was not amused by his antics and neither was I.

3 bottles of wine later, I'm very tired and have had a drama filled evening, but not because of Co-worker, friend drama. About 2 months ago, a friend I used to work with broke up with her boyfriend of 7 years. She cheated on him, but he didn't know that until I told him and they both went their seperate ways. I met the two of them together so I was friends with both of them. Nicole stopped calling me and in my opinion, started being a really bad friend. Dave kept calling me and our friendship continued while Nicole's and I did not, even though I had met her first but always knew her as a couple with Dave. She just changed and started saying things like, "I think it's horrible if someone takes you on a date to a chain restaurant." I guess I didn't realize how too cool for school she was. Anyway, after her e-mailing me, texting me, and calling me at work repeatedly, I finally sent her an e-mail. I also called her out on everything she lied about to me, because I really think the girl has a problem with lying. She proceeded to text Dave while I was on the phone with him, accusing him of telling all her secrets, even though that's not how I found out she was lying. It just turned in to a lot of drama that I really don't need, but put myself in the middle of.

And being 3 bottles of wine deep between my roommate and I made me come up with the great idea to look at pictures of me and He Who Shall Not Be Named. Seriously, my friends have said it but I agree with them: he is by far the hottest guy I have ever dated. Ever heard that Ani DiFranco song Untouchable Face "He'll look like a photograph of himself taken from far, far away and you won't know what to do and you won't know what to say, except Fuck You!" That's exactly how I feel with him...who was I to him? And I am hoping that writing this will make me feel better and eventually get over this.

And to top that night off, this morning my roommate says, "I reset the tv." I'm brushing my teeth, getting ready for work, I could care a less what he is doing with the tv. But apparently his show did not record last night and this has left him very upset. Seriously? That is the reason for resetting the tv because your precious show did not record? about you get upset about things that deserve it, like the fact that your house payment is way over due and you owe like 3 times it's worth. Want to talk about that while I'm brushing my teeth I might listen!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Once Again

He Who Shall Not Be Named text messaged me AGAIN. Why does he do this to me? I'm not strong enough to be his occasional friend. He did this last time he moved somewhere too. Maybe he has few friends and thinks of me. Maybe he hangs on to me for the same reason I hang on to him. Maybe he doesn't give two shits about me and is bored. I really don't know and I am so tired of guessing. His birthday is next month. I really really really want to ask what he's doing and suggest we do something,besides the fact I live 600 miles away, but I can't. You know why I can't...besides the fact that in the past month we have only exchanged bodily fluids once (yeah, I went there) and 3 text messages, every girl he stops seeing longs for him. I don't want to be that girl. I want to be the one who moves on, says sayonara jackass, for so many reasons.

Today I was thinking about how one time at his house he tried to light these candles above the bed, which I almost called our bed (woah), and he was having trouble and he said, "Damn romance candles." I don't know why I thought about that, but for some reason, small things like that make me miss him. But he wasn't crazy about me, and I found out he was still talking to his ex, and I felt like I couldn't always be myself around him...I mean there's a laundry lists of reasons why I shouldn't still be thinking about him. You know, initially today I wanted to talk about cyber-stalking, but I think I'll save that for tomorrow.

Co-worker wants to go out tonight. This guy he knows wants to take him out for drinks because he is leaving soon and he invited me to go with him. This should be fun, expecially since co-worker gets jealous and this other guy is single. Nothing wrong with flirting, especially so co-worker understands this is sex only and nothing more. Leave the feelings at the door buddy!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Unexpected Text Message

I deleted his number. Of course, I still know his area code, just in case he creeps back in. Tonight, he did. I got a text message from He Who Shall Not Be Named asking me how goes it? goes it? Last month, you came into town and I slept with you. I don't know why I thought anything would be different because it's been a month since I've heard from you. And before we slept together last month, several months since you called me. I tried to cut him off, but he's that guy for me...the one you can't get away from, still think about, wonder what if? Does everyone have a person like this in their lives?

I have come to learn via text with He Who Shall Not Be Named that he is now living in a city I would love to be living in. I finally said outloud today something I think about all the time. I hope that in several years we will run into one another again and will be together. Maybe it's wishful thinking, but there is just something about him. For some reason I can't get away from him, no matter how much I want to or tell myself I want to. Whatever the outcome, the text was nice to at least know he thinks about me randomly on this Tuesday, like how he creeps into my life everyday.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Getting Started

So my girlfriend and I originally started this blog as a way to talk with one another, and whoever else on the internet found themselves interested. It didn't work too well and so I am starting over with the same name because I need a way to express myself and know I'm not the only one who has ever felt this way. I'll eventually get to why I didn't save the older posts, but that has to do with He Who Shall Not Be Named and I'm not even ready to start with that. More on the back story of everything later, but first, here's the current situation.

I work in media in a position where if anyone knew I wrote this, could get me in a little bit of trouble. On top of this, I am sleeping with someone I work with. He used to date someone else at work, but she moved away although things with them aren't completly over. I really just view it as friends with benefits, but he has only slept with 3 people and I think he doesn't fully understand how things work. The other day he got really drunk and let me know that he really, really likes me which freaked me out a little, but not enough to stop sleeping with him. Sorry...the sex is way too good. Last night, we're going at it and he tells me he wants to be the best lay I've ever had. Instantly I think of the best lay I've had, which isn't him, but He Who Shall Not Be Named. Now, I have my co-worker's dick inside me, which already probably isn't the best idea, and I'm thinking about the one guy I haven't been able to get over (despite us only dating for 2 months and having not been together for almost a year). My head just wasn't mentally there so I told the co-worker that, minus the part about He Who Shall Not Be Named. I felt a little bad, but at the same time, shouldn't I not have sex with someone when I'm thinking about someone else? I'm thinking I made the right decision. So co-worker leaves soon for another job and I'm hoping all this ends up working out ok. But I guess I'll just have to wait and see.