Rain And Weekend Update

It's raining here...something that typically doesn't happen in the desert. I don't know why this morning I thought about He Who Shall Not Be Named. Maybe because the thought of staying in with him while it was raining seemed so ideal. I was thinking about the last time I saw him. He was putting on his brown pants and a white collar button-up and I just remembered looking at him wanting him to want me as much as I wanted him. So there's this morning, but the weekend and my days off (Monday/Tuesday) were super eventful. If there isn't a reason to read my blog, this post will surely bring some viewers :) Without further adu...

Friday: I need another name for the personality that comes out when I start drinking. It is pretty scary to think that I almost always black out, but this night I was safe. I went over to Co-worker's house with a large bottle of wine, not the kind that only gives you 3/4 glasses. I drank half of this. I proceeded to tell Co-worker I want to be his personal stripper, give him a lap dance, have him cum on my face. I'm sure there was more and him telling me this was embarrassing, but what can I do? I don't even remember talking about this. Apparently we had sex on his couch and I got him off really quick with all my dirty talk.

Saturday: The next morning (hello Saturday!) I had to work early, so I left. He wanted me to come back to the house after I went to work. It was nice, but also a little much. And on my 45 minute drive to my assignment, he called me and we talked almost the whole time, until I made some excuse that I was having trouble hearing him so I had to go. And then I went back and crawled in bed with him. I realized something coming back to his house Saturday night...actually I realized a lot of things.
#1 Is it so bad that I think he takes too long to get off and I have learned exactly what sends him over the edge? And so I do this, just so it can be over because it's been over for me awhile ago.
#2 I don't like the way he smells. His morning breath, the way his body smells when I wake up next to him.
#3 He always walks me to the door the next morning and one time, I told him just to stay in bed. He said he would never do this because he thinks it is rude, and He Who Shall Not Be Named never walked me to the door and this made me feel like Co-worker was calling HWSNBN rude. To which I became defensive, like just stay in bed and leave me to walk out by myself without having to kiss you goodbye.
#4 He's too nice and considerate. You don't really have to be that nice to your fuck buddy do you? I mean come on...the other night he couldn't sleep and asked if I would be upset if he went out and watched tv. Why would he even ask me that? Do what you f-ing want!

Why am I even doing this? I need to end it seriously.

This brings me to Sunday which was boring, but I need to preface my Monday post because this is the one that is going to make your hair stand on end. I even have an e-mail to accompany it with. A real one, that someone sent me, that I got this Wednesday morning when I showed up to work. In college, I sort of saw my professor. I had him for 2 classes, he was 49 at the time, now 51. I'm sure I have daddy issues but whatever. I thought he was cute and smart and something about the thought of having him bend me over the desk was exciting, even though nothing physical ever happened. One night I got really drunk and sent him a text message saying something about making my fantasy a reality. He was going to a town near me for Thanksgiving and invited me to come out there on my days off. Now I figured that if I decided I wanted to make something happen, I could. But remember, I have hung out with him only as friends so I couldn't imagine it being as awkward as it ended up.

Monday: I leave Co-workers house, slightly wondering if our ex-coworker will be coming over to his house in my absence since he knows I'm going to hang out with The Professor. I drive to where Professor is. I hang out with him a little. We're telling stories. All of a sudden, out of the blue, he mentions the text message I sent him. I tell him I was drunk. He proceeds to try and hold my hand, touch my leg, even tries to kiss me. I am not liking this. I feel uncomfortable and all I can think about is how to get myself out of this situation. I tell him I want to take a nap, which I do, because I am now planning on driving back home and I don't want to fall asleep at the wheel. I wake up. I tell him that I wanted this on my terms, that I have to be in control, and he is making me feel uncomfortable. I tell him I am leaving, I am not attracted to him. He tells me good luck with my life and my career. (Side note: about 2 weeks ago he sent me flowers at work saying he was excited to see me). So that's where it ends or so I thought. This morning I get this e-mail, subject is good luck with everything:

I just wanted to say a last goodbye here in this email. I didn't want to make an issue out of anything while you were here. You obviously were uncomfortable, and I think it was easier for you to get out of here as quickly and painlessly as possible.You made a comment out on the deck earlier about how you never made a reference to anything sexual because you were worrying that expressing an interest in someone can mess up a friendship. I suppose it can, but I think those sorts of things are manageable most of the time. What's not manageable is inconsistency. Being unreliable. Not being able to count on someone. We all owe it to the people we respect in our lives to let them know where we coming from. This is not about sleeping together, it's about being at least a little bit predictable. I not disappointed over losing a couple of fun days that have been planned since god-knows-when and have been the subject of weekly conversation for quite awhile now. I'm disappointed because what I thought was a very nice friendship gets vaporized because of . . . well, I don't exactly know how to say it. But if you don't owe it to yourself to know where you are with the people in your life, what you want and how you feel, you owe it to the people around you. I have more good friends than anyone I know. Several your age and even younger. None of them would allow a scene like the one you created today to be created. Sorry, if this makes you feel awful. If you do, it won't last. But you need to know why I have sort of a one-strike-and-you're-out policy over crap like this. I'm momentarily disappointed in losing a lover. I am much more disappointed in losing a friend.I do hope your career and everything else goes well for you.

Wow..ok first of all we have not been talking about this for weeks buddy. You have mentioned it. I was excited to see him because he helped me with my career, not because I wanted to sleep with him. I realized that a drunken text gave him the wrong idea, but never again did I mention that and I even asked if the place he was staying had a seperate bed for me. He should not be blaming me for any kind of scene. I felt uncomfortable. I left. I got myself out of a bad scene. He should be thanking me that I didn't let his little hard-on continue.

Here's what I plan to write back:

I don't know why you are talking about counting on someone. You shouldn't have been counting on me to sleep with you. The friendship didn't have to get vaporized. It only did because my unattraction to you made you angry, and me uncomfortable. I'm confused as to what scene you are referencing? None of this makes me feel awful at all. If anything, it is dissapointing that even as men age, they still stay just as stupid.

Now before I hit send, your comments...

And more on Co-worker hooking up with ex-coworker and Tuesdays events later. This is already a lot!