Famously Single did NOT get laid last night...what am I a chuch girl?

Last night Competition was a no show. Shouldn't men be all over a girl who wants to have sex all the time?

I have a lot of guy friends, mainly because they can talk to me about anything and because I like sex just as often as they do. I had no idea other girls did not feel this way. A marriage with no sex will never exist for me. It's too important, among other reasons I was committed to not being a virgin when I get married. Anyway, I was talking with one of my best guy friends and I was telling him my crazy stories and he said, "How are you single?"

Which brought me to an amazing realization. I am way more ready to get in the sheets, than get in a relationship. For some reason, this does not seem healthy. But I want amazing, and when it comes to a relationship, I want it all. Probably the main thing I miss is doing those little thoughtful things for your significant other. My mom always had cards under our pillows or would put little notes in the pocket of our pants. She is an incredibly thoughtful woman and I hope to be a wife like her when I grow up. Her and my step-dad have also been to a masterbating party in San Francisco so you can see where I get my sexual drive. I'll never forget being 13 and my mom telling me that sometimes sex gets boring, so if your husband asks you to do something, be a yes girl. Say yes!


I think the only reason I started thinking about this is because He Who Shall Not Be Named's birthday is tomorrow. When he left to check out the place he wanted to move to, I put a note in his luggage, so while he was there, he would know I cared about him. I wish I had more of an opportunity to do things like that for him, but we all know that wasn't the case. It doesn't matter anyway because he never got to experience the real uninhibited me and we only had sex in our beds. I'm sure that's reason enough not to miss him.


I'm sending an e-mail tomorrow for his birthday. That is it. My heart says it's the right thing to do. There are several times a month I want to just be with him, move to be with him, give up my career. And then I realize how ridiculous this is. And then I wish I was never on that story, that I would have never met him, and my heart would still be in one piece. Because once your heart is broken, I think you're terrified it could happen again. How I feel right now, I hope to not ever feel again.

And now New Year's Eve is fast approaching and I want 2009 to be amazing! And I'm also wondering will Competition or Co-worker be my NYE kiss? Or maybe someone new? Ahh...the excitement! Plus, Attached and his girlfriend are planning on spending NYE with me and my friends too. Seriously I say excitement, but maybe drama? 3 more days to find out!

Attraction

What causes us to be attracted to certain people?

Competition and I allegedly had sex last night. I only know because he told me this morning, but otherwise I have no recollection of that! I also allegedly called him by a different name. Score one for Famously Single! Can I at least keep my men straight? I don't know what it is about Competition, but he's super funny and I'm almost drawn to him. He is charismatic. He calls it his "charm" and that makes him cute to me.

I think I have a thing for people's boyfriends. I have always been the girl that my friends feel uncomfortable hanging out with their boyfriends alone. I don't know why. I see men who are attached as safe and I can just be myself, expecially when I'm friends with their girlfriends. The other day, a co-workers boyfriend who we'll call Attached and I were going to go out for drinks. The co-worker is out of town so Attached is lonely. When he first e-mailed me about it, I swear I thought he had other friends here who he was intending on seeing and staying at their house. But when I realized it would be just me and him, I started thinking about him staying at my house and then I really badly wanted to fuck him. Some drunk text messages later, he pretty much knew what was up and declined.

I know right? Stand up guy because he didn't want to do that to his girlfriend. Even though, I knew it would be our little secret. Why am I attracted to him? I don't know. He's cute, but I know he's attached. But we've become pretty good friends over the whole ordeal and to avoid the rejection, I'm just going to tell myself that he knows he can't sleep with me because he'll want it BAD.

Have you ever had anyone you are attracted to, but don't know why? And why is one person cute to someone, but ugly to another?

Making out involves blow jobs and other rules you need to know

Funniest conversation last night with my male roommates about how everybody knows making out involves a blow jobs. The two guys said hand jobs and making out go hand in hand, but my rule is, guys can rub one out but they can't suck their own dick. Enter me.

Which goes along with my last post because me and Competition made out. You get what I'm saying right? I feel the only thing I need to say is we made out and you should just know that I sucked him off. Last night at the bar, my friend said that Competition told her boyfriend about us "making out" I never denied that I gave him a blow job, but I didn't confirm it either. I text him saying way to kiss and tell but he assumed I was going to tell my friend everything, which I obviously did because I said we made out. Shouldn't she just know?

This resulted in many more text messages about how horny I was and wanted to get together with him. I think I need to turn my phone off when I get drunk!

The Pink Bathrobe

I have come to the realization that almost every man who sleeps in my room at one point wears my pink bathrobe. It's from Victoria's Secret and fits most very tight. You know, they have to get up to use the restroom, so rather than put their clothes on, they put on the robe.

I am trying so hard to remember the name of this book I read, a compilation of short stories, where the author talks about how guys she dated brought her my little ponies based on something she always says. I guess my pink bathrobe is sort of like that. Do you have something like that?

I brought home the Competition last night. On Friday night I went out and met up with some co-workers, along with a guy who works for a competing place. He got wasted and as they were dropping me off at my car, he said, "Let's go have sex." I, of course, said no and asked if that line really works? But ever since he said that, I sort of thought about it.

Then, randomly last night, I was out with a friend, who apparently knows Competition, and we hung out. And when I went to go to my car, he came too. There's something about him. He is cute, but his personality makes him cuter, and I guess we have sexual tension from times we have hung out before. I didn't have sex with him, as much as he begged me too. We just made out and this morning I dropped him off at his house. I called my friend to tell her, before her boyfriend could tell her how I was making out with him in the back of the car and she seemed almost disgusted. This can not be a good sign.

And I just got a text message from a guy who used to be a model with a seriously beautiful body, but typical model with not much upstairs. He's being deployed and he wants my e-mail address so we can stay in contact. Or because he wants me to send him dirty e-mails. Probably the latter :)

So there's my weekend. Planning on seeing 7 Pounds tomorrow...can't wait. Happy Hanukahh!

Are we letting men off easy with text messaging?

Last night, I went out with a female co-worker after work. I swore I wasn't going to drink until New Year's Eve, but you know what, I don't care. You're only young once, and besides, I wasn't planning on getting drunk. While we were out at the bar, I got a text message from down syndrome council member about going to breakfast. We must have text messaged back and forth about 20 times before firming up plans for lunch instead of breakfast. I happened to be out at a bar and couldn't really talk.

Actually, that's a lie. I could have gone outside to talk to him, but I had just met this nice guy who is a US Marshall, so I was chatting with him a little bit. I like text messaging, don't get me wrong. It's just talking on the phone is so much easier. I like getting that random text message that brightens my day, makes me smile, feel cared about. But if we are trying to discuss plans or someone really wants to get to know me, I appreciate the phone call. Better yet, I like the phone call that says I was just thinking about you, I want to see you. I'd much rather be talking in person if I have the opportunity.

Has technology made us socially awkward? Is it that much easier to use Facebook, Myspace, text messaging to communicate? Are we relying on being able to review what we say before we say it, because that is impossible to do when communicating on the phone or in person? We can script what we want to say, because that calms our nerves a little. I worry for the generations after us.

The US Marshall said something about having a hard time meeting people. I completly disagree. If I see people I think look interesting (ahem...hot guys) I have no problem going up to them and talking to them. I have the ability to still use the technology to communicate, yet I don't rely on it. I'm concerned for the people who feel the need to rely on it.

My friend wants to go to rehab and other things that happen when you drink with me

Ok, so after work on Sunday I drove to Comic's house in beautiful San Diego, or so I thought, because I got snowed in on Wednesday and ended up staying another night. Anyway, Sunday night there was no drinking because I got there at like midnight. But there was sex, the kind of sex that has you looking up the wall thinking what in the world is going on? I don't have a lot of sex like this. First of all, we're friends and we met because I worked with his now ex-girlfriend, so you can see where the awkwardness is. So getting it going was strange. We always talk about how we use protection when we have sex, and it was surprising that we didn't use protection. Maybe that's because we are really good friends and I think it would be weird if we did use a condom. Actually now that I type that, it doesn't make sense, but I do know that I thought about it before hand and I did think it would be weird if he put on a condom. Judge me all you want, he's like my best friend and I also associate him as the male version of me.

But the condom thing was not why the sex was strange. He was on top. He slides in...wait, is it in? Oh, it is, but why can't I feel him? He was on top for about 2 minutes, he cums, he lays there, on top of me. During that two minutes, I looked at the ceiling thinking if him and my ex-friend ever get back together, I will always know she has to deal with that. This made me smile. Not cumming did not make me smile.

We stayed up until 3 in the morning. He felt bad that he didn't get me off and we had sex with me on top. Ahh...there's that penis. And I finished. Monday he worked and I drank. He came home and we drank. We went in the hot tub and then had sex...at night and Tuesday morning. Then we did the same thing Tuesday, and then Wednesday. Wednesday his friend came over and we both got SUPER wasted and fell down some stairs. My beautiful legs look I got into a fight. We're talking bruises, cuts, gashes. It's not looking pretty. On Thursday, his boss sent him home from work because he reeked of alcohol. Now he thinks he needs rehab. This is what happens when you party with me for 3 days straight. I feel a little responsible, but he's a big boy. He can make his own decisions right?

He called his mom. She's there with him now. Normally, we would talk everyday. We are barely talking. I hope he's not mad at me, like I made him drink. I mean we were planning on going to a live sex show and getting down. We can still do that right? Right? Oh no....

Crazy Dating Story

I submitted this story as my crazy dating story and I'm really not feeling like putting the past 3 days out on the internet yet, so I' m using what I sent. I have another story that involves my phone getting stolen by a guy but for now, crazy dating story #1.

After having my heart broken and five months of no sex, I decided it was really time to get into the game. Enter Mac. We met while out for a mutual friend's birthday party. He was cute, in the military and I was slightly needy. He seemed like such a nice guy and maybe after 5 months, I wasn't being as selective. In my drunk state, I even text messaged my dad saying I met the man I want to marry.

Fast forward a few weeks. I wake up next to him. This is like the 2nd time we have ever slept together. He is getting up to go golfing. I am lying in his bed. He's about to leave. He says, "Just so you know that gun right there is fully loaded. So if you try to mess around with it, it's loaded and it will go off."

I say, "Wait...I slept with a loaded gun by me the whole night."

He says, "Yeah. Alright I'm leaving." He is almost to the door. I'm already thinking he is a psycho, until...wait for it....

He turns around and says, "Your pussy's mine."

I've slept with this man twice and already he is staking claim on my pussy! Seriously, who says that and for once in my life I was literally speechless. What are you supposed to say to that?

I wish I would have said your dick is mine, but I found out that really his dick wasn't mine, and maybe that "your pussy's mine" line really works because while he was screwing everything with 2 legs, these girls were not.

On a side note, I found out that he shot some guy in the leg who tried to get into his girl's apartment. Guess there is one benefit to sleeping by a loaded gun :)

Friends With Benefits

I have seen numerous people post about this and I'm having a realization of my own and thought I would contribute.

Everyone wants friends with benefits to work out. The thing I like about having a friend you fool around with is it's comfortable. And I guess in the case of Co-worker, it's sort of scandalous. But I think I might be developing feelings for Co-worker. Not feelings like I wish he were my boyfriend, because trust me when I say this, he annoys me to no end on numerous occasions. I just like to feel like I'm number one, and when you're friends with benefits, you are always looking for something else out there. Now, my ex-friends boyfriend, I need a name for him...how about Comic, because he is super funny. Comic and I live almost 3 hours away from one another and I know he would not be the kind of boyfriend I would want, but I have fun with him and I feel really happy with him. So what if we have chemistry and fool around? I know it isn't going anywhere and so does he.

But why does friends with benefits leave me a little sad, wanting more? I think with Comic I am fine with it because we openly talk about his ex-girlfriend and I know where his head is at. Plus we are like best friends. We talk every day. I know he cares about me for more than just sex. Co-worker on the other hand tries to hide everything, with his ex-girlfriends or maybe current girlfriends who knows? And I think that is where the friends with benefits is getting messed up. Everyday I feel conflicted about Co-worker, but at the end of the day, I find it hard to quit. It's safe, it's fun, and it's consistant. Why use my hand when I can use Co-worker? I don't think friends with benefits will ever be solved, at least not by me. With one person it works, with another, it doesn't. And maybe I'm too deep into it with Co-worker to step back and see if it's working or not. I just know the sex is great, but I hate that sometimes he is shady about where he's going for the weekend or what the real situation is with the other women in his life.

Totally unrelated...one of my favorite blogs has the best idea and I can't wait to participate. She is asking for bloggers to submit stories, and since I'm single, it will be about one of my craziest dating stories ever. Er...dating/sexual experience :) I can't wait to share because it's actually crazy dating stories that made me want to do this blog. You'll have to check it out over there to see other people's horror stories. It will hopefully make us all feel a little better about our stories!

Cyber Stalking

How horrible is it that I look up He Who Shall Not Be Named on Myspace to see if maybe it won't be private for some odd reason, or if maybe his status update will say something different?

The internet makes it to soo easy to cyber stalk and I both love and hate it.

That's all for now...

I just did something amazing

I had sex in a place you shouldn't...it's a place you spend let's say about 40 hours a week at. That's all I'm saying about that.

On to the topic at hand: going down on a girl, licking here pussy, head, cunnilingus, whatever you want to call it

My first boyfriend wasn't that into it. I believe he even made a comment about fish. My second boyfriend was fine with it, but first boyfriend made me feel so uncomfortable that we rarely did it. He Who Shall Not Be Named wanted me to ride his face. He was into it. He wanted to do it all the time. Co-worker has never done it, maybe once. He actually said to me that he only likes to go down on a girl after she has just showered or is in the shower. What the hell is that about? When I'm giving head, I like to do it like I need the dick to breathe. Is that too much to ask, I mean seriously!

Ok now listen, I know pussys have a smell. I masterbate like 3 times a day. I know what I taste like, what I smell like. Is it really that bad? Help me out here!

I can't think of a title

Well, well, well. If you read through the entire last post, thank you. If not, I understand. That was a long one!

I feel as though there are a lot of updates to get to...let's start things off with Co-worker. When we last left off, Co-worker had his girlfriend in town, even though in his mind they are not together. I told other co-workers that Co-worker and I were sleeping together and in my drunken state, wanted to tell his girlfriend we were sleeping together. Not a smart move...thank goodness I didn't. Co-worker called on Wednesday to see if I wanted to come over. I politely declined. On Thursday, Co-worker sent a text about The Office being on that night. I text him back saying don't try and lure me to your house with tv shows. I already told you if you sleep with girlfriend, we can not sleep together. He text back get over yourself. He won an award at the Christmas party. I text him to let him know last night. We continued to text back and forth and I have a feeling I will sleep with him again, which is of course, a horrible idea! But hey, sometimes a girl needs some loving right?

He Who Shall Not Be Named has cooled it with the text messaging. His birthday is in 3 weeks. I want to e-mail, but don't know if I should.

Last night I met a new guy. Let me preface this by saying that in the town I live in there's about 20 to 1 ratio of guys to girls. You would think this would be amazing which it can be in the free drink department, but there are really a lot of scum bags too. I started talking to a guy who I thought his name was Justin, but apparently it's Travis. Oops! Well he knows and I think works with 2 other scum bags I dated/slept with. This could be bad, but we'll see.

Hung out with my ex-friend's ex-boyfriend for a few days...following that? There is something about being a we instead of me that is so much better and I want that and I guess I feel a little lonely. I also watched Grey's Anatomy this morning and it made me cry. Something about Alex confessing his love made me feel lonely. I guess I just have to assume that the perfect guy is out there for me. In other news, I did rock the hottest dress to the holiday party! You know you can't get a picture but maybe if you e-mail me, we can be like facebook friends or something :)

The Hard One

This is the post I've been dreading...the story of He Who Shall Not Be Named, but I feel like to not tell it is to undo this entire blog, because he's kinda the whole thing that brought it on. If I ever write some chick lit, I'm dedicating it to him, the man who made me think my stories were deserving of a book :)

We met on a story. I was the new reporter. He was the hot photographer. We talked about how boring it is in our town. He pulled out a pen and paper, gave me his number and said we should hang out. I freaked out in the car and called my friend to ask why she never told me he was single. Apparently she didn't know which meant it was a new break-up. But why should I care about this...this man was hot, I was in a new town and so it began. I texted him the next day about his photos. He said he was going out of town for Christmas but we should get together when he got back. And we did. We met up at a bar with some other people I was with. It was awkward, it was fun, and I couldn't wait to do it again.

So we did and then one weekend, my friend came to visit me. And I hadn't slept with him yet, but I wanted to, and she approved of him and so he went home with me. I was drunk but it was awkward, it was fun, and I couldn't wait to do it again.

So we did, the next night and we started hanging out and there was something about him that just got me, even though I couldn't 100 % be myself around him. I wanted to be the girl he wanted, instead of just the girl I am, because I was so amazed that this guy was with me. It took about a month before the ex-girlfriend was brought up, when I found out that she went with him to Christmas at his family's house and they were together for 4 years. He moved for her, they lived together in "our" town. And then he got a photography job somewhere else and he moved. On the day he left, I looked at his phone while he was in the shower.

I don't know why I did it, but I think that when you have to look, you know you are going to find something. And find something I did...text sent to his ex: Every day I wake up with an emptiness and a loneliness that only you can fulfill and I both love and hate you for it. And no, I don't feel embaressed that I know exactly what it says word for word. The text was sent the night before. I couldn't believe it. I had no idea he had such emptiness and loneliness. I had no idea he had so much emotions because he certainly didn't show that to me. I had finally, after years of dating, had my heart broken.

He left, and I thought I would never hear from him again. But he called that night and then proceeded to keep calling, e-mailing, texting. It felt nice, like he really cared, even if it was very sporadic. I was confused why he was doing this. Why keep me around when you still aren't over your ex and we are seperated by thousands of miles? I sent him an e-mail confessing that I looked at his text messages while he was in the shower the day he left. I tried to end it funny by saying that the Professor said if our relationship was so great, wouldn't I have been in the shower with him? He could have called. He could have e-mailed back. Instead, he text messaged me like 5 days later: Just checked my e-mail. Don't know what to say. I guess that comes with the 4-year relationship territory. Hope you're well. I didn't respond. There was no need and I thought that was it.

Fast forward 2 weeks later. I'm visiting a friend in L.A. I have just finished talking about how everytime I order a vodka 7 I think of him because he was the one who thought I would like that drink. I get a text message: So are we no longer friends? :( I don't know what to do. Do I respond? Do I leave it alone? Do I keep reading it, wondering if this is real? Or do I do none of the above because he calls me and we proceed to talk for 2 hours even though it is like 2 in the morning his time and I'm pretty sure he is wasted? Ding, ding, ding.

We continue our sporadic conversations for a few more weeks, but then I have called twice and told him about my promotion, and he hasn't called me. We don't talk for many, many months, possibly 6 maybe more. Last month, he myspace messages my boss and says he is coming in to town, driving through town because he quit his job and is moving somewhere else. Asks for her to give me his number and see about drinks. Drinks lead to me in his hotel, which leads to him not calling me for another month, which leads to the random texts. This leads me to delete his number from my phone. It's too hard. His birthday is this month. I want to send an e-mail that only says Happy Birthday. Am I crazy? Seriously, we dated for 2 months. It's not like this was a long drawn-out love affair? And do you ever wish you had never met someone...like maybe if I wasn't on that story, I never would have met him and my heart would not be broken, or is this healthy?

An "Oh No" Moment

Last night I got together for drinks with many co-workers, including the Co-worker and his girlfriend. It is here that I found out I wanted to tell girlfriend about me sleeping with Co-worker. Wow! How drunk was I? I also sent many text messages and calls randomly. I feel a little embarassed :(

But seeing Co-worker with his girlfriend wasn't awkward even though maybe it should have been. Is it ok to fuck someone with no feelings involved, because I am seeing a little bit of a pattern of this? I'm even a little embarassed that people know we slept together, which is not a good feeling.

In other news, a city council member asked for my phone number last night. Now listen, I might be interested in someone in city council, say if they looked like Gavin Newsom! But I'm the kind of girl that would be with a city council member who picked up prostitutes on the side, is caught going to a masterbation party, and cheats on his wife. I would not be with a council member who is on the straight and narrow, trying to make a name for himself in politics, beside the fact that his picture on the city website makes him look like he has down syndrome. So there's where my love life is at the moment...the down syndrome looking city council member is hitting on me, Co-worker and I are so over, and my heart still beats for He Who Shall Not Be Named.

Although on a random note, I had to call to get the website fixed for work, and I always talk to the same tech guy so I told him we should be Facebook friends. He said we shouldn't be talking about that at the moment, but he would e-mail me later. Just got the e-mail. I'll keep you posted on if he's cute or not :)

And while you're waiting for the He Who Shall Not Be Named post that has been in draft for a week now, check out this website.

What did I do?

All day today I have been crazy sick and it's all my fault because I got wasted last night. The long islands were on sale for $3 and my bill was $50...enough said. Well in my drunken stupor I decide to text Co-worker because I haven't heard from him and I have a feeling his girlfriend is in town, but I want him to tell me that.

So I text him about us hooking up, which looking back on it really puts all the power in his hands, so great job in not being an independent woman. He calls me. I call him back. He asks me if I listened to my voicemail. I say no and he tells me to listen to that and then call him back, which why couldn't he just tell me. And the answer is: yes girlfriend ex-coworker is in town, and today she sent me a text message inviting everyone to go out. And even though I am feeling sick I think I'm going to go! So wish me luck.

Oh and the what did I do? I told two co-workers I'm fucking Co-worker. I'm scared about what could happen at work now...

And I took the advice and did not e-mail Professor!

Catching Up

So basically Monday was a test for Co-worker because he knew I was going to see the Professor and I was supposed to stay the night there so he could have had his girlfriend or ex-girlfriend (whatever!) over. But I was pleasantly surprised. And then Tuesday I got wasted during the day which was a lot of fun.

Thanksgiving was fine. I had to work. I was surprised that He Who Shall Not Be Named didn't at least text-message me. But oh well right? It feels like it's time to move on from that. It's just hard. I have a post in draft about him. Maybe I'll finish it tomorrow. It's sort of therapeutic to write in a way. That's all for today. I enjoyed reading everyone's elses blogs throught the week! That darn Google Reader is killing me! I swear reading blogs is now like my second hobby.

Rain And Weekend Update

It's raining here...something that typically doesn't happen in the desert. I don't know why this morning I thought about He Who Shall Not Be Named. Maybe because the thought of staying in with him while it was raining seemed so ideal. I was thinking about the last time I saw him. He was putting on his brown pants and a white collar button-up and I just remembered looking at him wanting him to want me as much as I wanted him. So there's this morning, but the weekend and my days off (Monday/Tuesday) were super eventful. If there isn't a reason to read my blog, this post will surely bring some viewers :) Without further adu...

Friday: I need another name for the personality that comes out when I start drinking. It is pretty scary to think that I almost always black out, but this night I was safe. I went over to Co-worker's house with a large bottle of wine, not the kind that only gives you 3/4 glasses. I drank half of this. I proceeded to tell Co-worker I want to be his personal stripper, give him a lap dance, have him cum on my face. I'm sure there was more and him telling me this was embarrassing, but what can I do? I don't even remember talking about this. Apparently we had sex on his couch and I got him off really quick with all my dirty talk.

Saturday: The next morning (hello Saturday!) I had to work early, so I left. He wanted me to come back to the house after I went to work. It was nice, but also a little much. And on my 45 minute drive to my assignment, he called me and we talked almost the whole time, until I made some excuse that I was having trouble hearing him so I had to go. And then I went back and crawled in bed with him. I realized something coming back to his house Saturday night...actually I realized a lot of things.
#1 Is it so bad that I think he takes too long to get off and I have learned exactly what sends him over the edge? And so I do this, just so it can be over because it's been over for me awhile ago.
#2 I don't like the way he smells. His morning breath, the way his body smells when I wake up next to him.
#3 He always walks me to the door the next morning and one time, I told him just to stay in bed. He said he would never do this because he thinks it is rude, and He Who Shall Not Be Named never walked me to the door and this made me feel like Co-worker was calling HWSNBN rude. To which I became defensive, like just stay in bed and leave me to walk out by myself without having to kiss you goodbye.
#4 He's too nice and considerate. You don't really have to be that nice to your fuck buddy do you? I mean come on...the other night he couldn't sleep and asked if I would be upset if he went out and watched tv. Why would he even ask me that? Do what you f-ing want!

Why am I even doing this? I need to end it seriously.

This brings me to Sunday which was boring, but I need to preface my Monday post because this is the one that is going to make your hair stand on end. I even have an e-mail to accompany it with. A real one, that someone sent me, that I got this Wednesday morning when I showed up to work. In college, I sort of saw my professor. I had him for 2 classes, he was 49 at the time, now 51. I'm sure I have daddy issues but whatever. I thought he was cute and smart and something about the thought of having him bend me over the desk was exciting, even though nothing physical ever happened. One night I got really drunk and sent him a text message saying something about making my fantasy a reality. He was going to a town near me for Thanksgiving and invited me to come out there on my days off. Now I figured that if I decided I wanted to make something happen, I could. But remember, I have hung out with him only as friends so I couldn't imagine it being as awkward as it ended up.

Monday: I leave Co-workers house, slightly wondering if our ex-coworker will be coming over to his house in my absence since he knows I'm going to hang out with The Professor. I drive to where Professor is. I hang out with him a little. We're telling stories. All of a sudden, out of the blue, he mentions the text message I sent him. I tell him I was drunk. He proceeds to try and hold my hand, touch my leg, even tries to kiss me. I am not liking this. I feel uncomfortable and all I can think about is how to get myself out of this situation. I tell him I want to take a nap, which I do, because I am now planning on driving back home and I don't want to fall asleep at the wheel. I wake up. I tell him that I wanted this on my terms, that I have to be in control, and he is making me feel uncomfortable. I tell him I am leaving, I am not attracted to him. He tells me good luck with my life and my career. (Side note: about 2 weeks ago he sent me flowers at work saying he was excited to see me). So that's where it ends or so I thought. This morning I get this e-mail, subject is good luck with everything:

I just wanted to say a last goodbye here in this email. I didn't want to make an issue out of anything while you were here. You obviously were uncomfortable, and I think it was easier for you to get out of here as quickly and painlessly as possible.You made a comment out on the deck earlier about how you never made a reference to anything sexual because you were worrying that expressing an interest in someone can mess up a friendship. I suppose it can, but I think those sorts of things are manageable most of the time. What's not manageable is inconsistency. Being unreliable. Not being able to count on someone. We all owe it to the people we respect in our lives to let them know where we coming from. This is not about sleeping together, it's about being at least a little bit predictable. I not disappointed over losing a couple of fun days that have been planned since god-knows-when and have been the subject of weekly conversation for quite awhile now. I'm disappointed because what I thought was a very nice friendship gets vaporized because of . . . well, I don't exactly know how to say it. But if you don't owe it to yourself to know where you are with the people in your life, what you want and how you feel, you owe it to the people around you. I have more good friends than anyone I know. Several your age and even younger. None of them would allow a scene like the one you created today to be created. Sorry, if this makes you feel awful. If you do, it won't last. But you need to know why I have sort of a one-strike-and-you're-out policy over crap like this. I'm momentarily disappointed in losing a lover. I am much more disappointed in losing a friend.I do hope your career and everything else goes well for you.

Wow..ok first of all we have not been talking about this for weeks buddy. You have mentioned it. I was excited to see him because he helped me with my career, not because I wanted to sleep with him. I realized that a drunken text gave him the wrong idea, but never again did I mention that and I even asked if the place he was staying had a seperate bed for me. He should not be blaming me for any kind of scene. I felt uncomfortable. I left. I got myself out of a bad scene. He should be thanking me that I didn't let his little hard-on continue.

Here's what I plan to write back:

I don't know why you are talking about counting on someone. You shouldn't have been counting on me to sleep with you. The friendship didn't have to get vaporized. It only did because my unattraction to you made you angry, and me uncomfortable. I'm confused as to what scene you are referencing? None of this makes me feel awful at all. If anything, it is dissapointing that even as men age, they still stay just as stupid.

Now before I hit send, your comments...

And more on Co-worker hooking up with ex-coworker and Tuesdays events later. This is already a lot!

Drunkenness

Ever wake up in the morning with that feeling like what the hell happened last night, and whose bed am I in? Turned out I was in Co-worker's bed (thank goodness) and got really drunk last night. Good times! I don't remember that much, except driving to Co-worker's house after the bar, although technically I don't remember the drive just getting there. I remember showing up at his house and he was watching The Office and I might have said marry me because I love that show. My clothes came off in the living room and this morning when I woke up I felt like the sex was really good last night. We've only slept together a handful of times, but it was starting to get a little boring, like the same thing every night. It did not feel like that last night at all! I'm a total black-out drunk, regardless of if I've had 2 drinks or 9 so the fact that I remember anything last night deserves a pat on the back. Hope the weekend is as fun as I remembered last night to be :)

Co-worker always walks me to the door when I am leaving. He could just stay in bed, but he gets up, kisses me good-bye and generally asks me if he'll be seeing me later. This morning he did not ask that, which could be because we work together tonight so of course he is going to see me, or because he is going to visit his girlfriend or whatever she is (the girl he used to date who worked with us, but moved). Update on this situation later.

Co-worker drama and other shit I don't need right now

So last night I'm driving home from work and Co-worker calls. He says he misses me in his bed (tell me something I don't know) and while that would make me swoon with any other guy, with him I envision the Wedding Crashers and Stage-5 Clinger. I am still anticipating that we are going out tonight with his friend and I want to bring my roommate along. Apparently, I wasn't really invited because he acts all confused. He asked me what I was doing that night, he says he's getting drinks, I don't really remember him saying come with me, but that's the feeling I got ok? So I told him to fuck off because he was acting really rude about it and I had him on speaker phone while my roommate and I were getting drunk on our porch. She of course was not amused by his antics and neither was I.

3 bottles of wine later, I'm very tired and have had a drama filled evening, but not because of Co-worker, friend drama. About 2 months ago, a friend I used to work with broke up with her boyfriend of 7 years. She cheated on him, but he didn't know that until I told him and they both went their seperate ways. I met the two of them together so I was friends with both of them. Nicole stopped calling me and in my opinion, started being a really bad friend. Dave kept calling me and our friendship continued while Nicole's and I did not, even though I had met her first but always knew her as a couple with Dave. She just changed and started saying things like, "I think it's horrible if someone takes you on a date to a chain restaurant." I guess I didn't realize how too cool for school she was. Anyway, after her e-mailing me, texting me, and calling me at work repeatedly, I finally sent her an e-mail. I also called her out on everything she lied about to me, because I really think the girl has a problem with lying. She proceeded to text Dave while I was on the phone with him, accusing him of telling all her secrets, even though that's not how I found out she was lying. It just turned in to a lot of drama that I really don't need, but put myself in the middle of.

And being 3 bottles of wine deep between my roommate and I made me come up with the great idea to look at pictures of me and He Who Shall Not Be Named. Seriously, my friends have said it but I agree with them: he is by far the hottest guy I have ever dated. Ever heard that Ani DiFranco song Untouchable Face "He'll look like a photograph of himself taken from far, far away and you won't know what to do and you won't know what to say, except Fuck You!" That's exactly how I feel with him...who was I to him? And I am hoping that writing this will make me feel better and eventually get over this.

And to top that night off, this morning my roommate says, "I reset the tv." I'm brushing my teeth, getting ready for work, I could care a less what he is doing with the tv. But apparently his show did not record last night and this has left him very upset. Seriously? That is the reason for resetting the tv because your precious show did not record? Unbelievable...how about you get upset about things that deserve it, like the fact that your house payment is way over due and you owe like 3 times it's worth. Want to talk about that while I'm brushing my teeth I might listen!

Once Again

He Who Shall Not Be Named text messaged me AGAIN. Why does he do this to me? I'm not strong enough to be his occasional friend. He did this last time he moved somewhere too. Maybe he has few friends and thinks of me. Maybe he hangs on to me for the same reason I hang on to him. Maybe he doesn't give two shits about me and is bored. I really don't know and I am so tired of guessing. His birthday is next month. I really really really want to ask what he's doing and suggest we do something,besides the fact I live 600 miles away, but I can't. You know why I can't...besides the fact that in the past month we have only exchanged bodily fluids once (yeah, I went there) and 3 text messages, every girl he stops seeing longs for him. I don't want to be that girl. I want to be the one who moves on, says sayonara jackass, for so many reasons.

Today I was thinking about how one time at his house he tried to light these candles above the bed, which I almost called our bed (woah), and he was having trouble and he said, "Damn romance candles." I don't know why I thought about that, but for some reason, small things like that make me miss him. But he wasn't crazy about me, and I found out he was still talking to his ex, and I felt like I couldn't always be myself around him...I mean there's a laundry lists of reasons why I shouldn't still be thinking about him. You know, initially today I wanted to talk about cyber-stalking, but I think I'll save that for tomorrow.

Co-worker wants to go out tonight. This guy he knows wants to take him out for drinks because he is leaving soon and he invited me to go with him. This should be fun, expecially since co-worker gets jealous and this other guy is single. Nothing wrong with flirting, especially so co-worker understands this is sex only and nothing more. Leave the feelings at the door buddy!

Unexpected Text Message

I deleted his number. Of course, I still know his area code, just in case he creeps back in. Tonight, he did. I got a text message from He Who Shall Not Be Named asking me how goes it? Hmmm...how goes it? Last month, you came into town and I slept with you. I don't know why I thought anything would be different because it's been a month since I've heard from you. And before we slept together last month, several months since you called me. I tried to cut him off, but he's that guy for me...the one you can't get away from, still think about, wonder what if? Does everyone have a person like this in their lives?

I have come to learn via text with He Who Shall Not Be Named that he is now living in a city I would love to be living in. I finally said outloud today something I think about all the time. I hope that in several years we will run into one another again and will be together. Maybe it's wishful thinking, but there is just something about him. For some reason I can't get away from him, no matter how much I want to or tell myself I want to. Whatever the outcome, the text was nice to at least know he thinks about me randomly on this Tuesday, like how he creeps into my life everyday.

Getting Started

So my girlfriend and I originally started this blog as a way to talk with one another, and whoever else on the internet found themselves interested. It didn't work too well and so I am starting over with the same name because I need a way to express myself and know I'm not the only one who has ever felt this way. I'll eventually get to why I didn't save the older posts, but that has to do with He Who Shall Not Be Named and I'm not even ready to start with that. More on the back story of everything later, but first, here's the current situation.

I work in media in a position where if anyone knew I wrote this, could get me in a little bit of trouble. On top of this, I am sleeping with someone I work with. He used to date someone else at work, but she moved away although things with them aren't completly over. I really just view it as friends with benefits, but he has only slept with 3 people and I think he doesn't fully understand how things work. The other day he got really drunk and let me know that he really, really likes me which freaked me out a little, but not enough to stop sleeping with him. Sorry...the sex is way too good. Last night, we're going at it and he tells me he wants to be the best lay I've ever had. Instantly I think of the best lay I've had, which isn't him, but He Who Shall Not Be Named. Now, I have my co-worker's dick inside me, which already probably isn't the best idea, and I'm thinking about the one guy I haven't been able to get over (despite us only dating for 2 months and having not been together for almost a year). My head just wasn't mentally there so I told the co-worker that, minus the part about He Who Shall Not Be Named. I felt a little bad, but at the same time, shouldn't I not have sex with someone when I'm thinking about someone else? I'm thinking I made the right decision. So co-worker leaves soon for another job and I'm hoping all this ends up working out ok. But I guess I'll just have to wait and see.